Merry

Yesterday, I asked my husband what was on his agenda for work and he responded that it was a “thinking day”. A day to reflect on strategy, innovation, next steps. To be honest, it sounded glorious. A whole day to just think about something unrelated to the home.

Right now, I am enjoying a bit of quiet, thinking time. My oldest three children are with our nanny and my youngest is taking a nap with me, in the carrier. I have decided to return to work next month and am feeling incredibly conflicted about that. On one hand, I really miss working (I’m a physician). I miss my patients, I miss my colleagues, I miss teaching, I miss having adult conversations and I miss being able to THINK – about diagnoses, patient messages, treatment options, research, etc. On the other hand, the flexibility of my maternity leave has been a godsend – especially during this incredibly tumultuous year. In the morning, I don’t have to wake up before the children do to get ready for work. I can let them wake me up, sit with them while I drink my cup of coffee, stay in my pajamas and play. With school closed during this holiday break, we have even less obligations since I am not rushing to get the kids out the door in the morning. This flexibility allows me to be available at the drop of a hat when the school calls because someone is sick and needs to be picked up. If we didn’t get to errands on the weekends, I can run them any day of the week. I can take the kids to appointments whenever they need to go. Honestly, the flexibility is what I will miss the most. Even though my schedule is incredibly forgiving for full-time work, it is still a schedule. It is not easy for me to cancel a full day of patients because I hate letting my patients down (especially when they may have waited months for an appointment) and I hate creating more work for my colleagues and administrative staff.

I have really cherished the time I’ve been able to spend at home with my children this year. 2020 has been an incredibly unpredictable year and, at times, incredibly challenging. But I feel so fortunate to have had this time, and I will hold on to these memories as I transition back to work in the new year. One lesson I’ve learned is that quality is much better than quantity. When I have been home all day with the children, it is impossible to have fun activities planned all day long and to engage with them fully at every moment (especially when there is cleaning to be done, food to be cooked, etc). I feel confident that I can still incorporate a significant amount of quality time with each child when I return to work.

So I will spend these next few weeks cherishing each additional unburdened minute with them and reflecting on how to incorporate more of that time into a busier future. And I will also be looking forward to returning to a sense of normalcy – for myself – through my career.

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