Month: March 2018

What I Ate Wednesday

Leave a comment

When I had an eating disorder, I would relieve the anxiety of said eating disorder by writing down all of the things I had eaten that day, or was going to eat that day. I would be in lecture – college, medical school, residency – and start scribbling on the side of my notes: banana 100 calories, cereal 120 calories, soymilk 80 calories…and on and on and on. I would write different permutations depending on what I thought I would eat that day. I had most foods memorized by caloric content and was pretty proud of that fact.

I would also read a lot of blogs by people who had “recovered” from disordered eating or who were advocates of “healthy eating”. These blogs would undoubtedly have a What I Ate Wednesday (or WIAW) feature. These bloggers would write things like “spoonful of dark chocolate chips” or “tablespoon of cashew butter” to show how indulgent they were in their eating. All of it was insane.

I also remember thinking: “After I have kids, I’ll still eat healthy and work out. I won’t let myself go!” Well, that was also an insane thought, because I can barely manage to pack a lunch these days, much less make sure that it’s nutritionally sound.

And so I thought it would be interesting to write down what I really ate today, this Wednesday, mostly as a parody but also so that if anyone with disordered eating or hypothalamic amenorrhea were to read this, they would hopefully realize that most people don’t measure out what they eat, and that’s actually normal.

Breakfast: I have no idea. I know, this is a terrible way to start WIAW. But the main point here is: when you don’t obsess about eating all day, it actually takes quite a bit of effort to think about what you ate. I know I drank coffee w/ soymilk (Yes, coffee is not great during pregnancy, but I just now in the second trimester starting craving it again and only have 6-8 oz on the days that I do drink it). Oh wait, now I remember: a scone from Trader Joe’s – not sure what type.

Lunch: PB&J sandwich, Strawberry Fage yogurt

Mid-afternoon snack: biscotti, hot chocolate, apple

Dinner: tortilla chips, TJ’s meatless patties x 2, baked oven fries, bites of the veggie burgers I made for my kids. Most of this was eaten standing up.

Dessert: chocolate chip cookie, vanilla ice cream

The best part about having recovered from disordered eating is that I can write everything down and feel nothing – no joy if I ate “well”, disappointment if I ate “badly”. That list is just facts. I don’t feel good or bad about it, and that’s an incredibly liberating feeling. Honestly, there was a time in my life when I thought that I would never feel that sense of freedom around eating. I feel so fortunate to have overcome it and hope that anyone struggling with disordered eating will soon overcome it as well.

My nanny is drinking pregnancy tea

Leave a comment

This hurts my heart because she’s preparing for her second round of IVF and I feel like a terrible person for having two children already and now being pregnant with a third (and I haven’t told her about this yet, although I’m pretty sure she’s figured it out). It hurts my heart because I remember those days very vividly – wondering why everyone seemed to get pregnant so easily and why it was taking me forever. What was wrong with me? Would I ever be a mother? I wore fertility bracelets, temped, took supplements, checked CM, joined a yoga for fertility group, set up a meditation corner in my bedroom to relieve stress, started acupuncture, and on and on and on. And I think: how much harder would it have been if my job was to take care of small children? And how conflicting it must be when that job is paying for your opportunity to have your own child.

In addition to my nanny, I haven’t told a lot of people I’m pregnant yet, but there are two people in particular who I should have told but I have not. They are very dear friends to me. One recently miscarried in her first trimester after deciding to have a second child, and the second is undergoing her second round of IVF, having failed a first in an attempt to have a second chid. I should have told them, but didn’t know how to break the news directly after they announced what they had been through. And, to be honest, distance and our busy lives make it easy to evade. But I am 15 weeks tomorrow, so it’s time. And eventually I’ll need to tell my nanny, who likely already knows. I only hope that in a few weeks to months she shares the news that she’s expecting as well.

What people are saying

Leave a comment

I am finding that the reaction you receive when you tell someone you are expecting your third baby is quite different than the reaction you receive when you tell someone you are expecting your first baby.

When people found out I was pregnant with baby #1, they were ecstatic. There were congratulations all around, experienced moms waxing nostalgic about those early days, huge baby showers to be had, and overall excitement. Everyone was thrilled.

When we were pregnant with #2, people were also excited, but perhaps a bit worried. They seemed pleased that our son would have a brother, but did sometimes comment that the less than two year difference in age was a bit aggressive. Overall, however, there was excitement.

With this baby, baby #3, we have definitely received a number of congratulatory comments. But we have also heard quite a bit of:

  • “Was it an accident?
  • “Was it planned?”
  • “What?”
  • “OMG, why!?”
  • “Let me guess – you’re pregnant” (in response to: “I have something to tell you”)

So, it’s been a bit different. But we ourselves are very excited for this third baby, for whom we did plan!