Worried and kicking

It’s been 5 days since I learned about my possible toxoplasmosis infection and I’ve just been a rollercoaster of emotion:

  • doom and gloom: worst case scenario congenital toxoplasmosis situation. How will we adjust to having a severely disabled child? Is this fair to my other children? How will our lives change?
  • denial: this MUST be a false positive. I don’t spend time around cats, I don’t eat meat, I have barely eaten raw fruits and vegetables this pregnancy and never without washing them. Then I think about the one time our cat lady neighbor picked up two packages for us while we were away. This was back when I was very early pregnant, 1-2 mo. What if one of her cats pooped on the packages and then I grabbed them? Is this enough contact to transmit toxoplasmosis? Would my IgG be positive if this were the case?
  • anger: why did my ob check this lab? There seems to be no clear guideline to doing so (for asymptomatic patients without exposure risk). I switched to this ob primarily to have the same person I saw for regular visits deliver my baby instead of a resident (to clarify: not because I didn’t think they’d do a great job, but because I would prefer for residents I work with not to see me in labor. Although, two residents did deliver my second and I can barely remember who they were) but now I’m having second thoughts. Should I have stuck with my original group, who didn’t check for toxo because it’s not standard of care? Now I’m on this wheel of test after test after test (what I’ve been trying to avoid since my first induction for suspected pre-eclampsia) and I’m mad at myself because it’s of my own doing. I also wish she had a clear algorithm in mind. If she sends off a test, then she should have a clear plan as to what to do if it’s positive or negative. Yet, I know that this is not always true in medicine, and this is how we learn.

My husband is a level-headed, pragmatic individual. He is not worried at all. He says that worrying won’t change the situation. There is literally nothing I can add to the situation by worrying, and I need to relax and wait to see what the doctors say next week. I have an ultrasound scheduled and will follow up with high-risk ob the day after (by phone at least). I wish I could be reasonable like him and not worry, but I have a tough time doing so. I worry about the need for invasive testing or treatment which could be dangerous to the baby. I worry about being in a perpetual state of worry (is this the ultimate sign of anxiety or what?) during this pregnancy. I worry that the baby will need unnecessary testing when he’s born. And I think about what it would be like to have a baby with congenital toxoplasmosis – how different from my prior newborns. How will I handle that on top of having a newborn and 2 toddlers?

In the past few days, the baby has started to kick more. He was moving early on this time around, but his movements have been much more intense and exaggerated. I like to think that he’s telling me not to worry, to calm down, that he’s alright. I hope this is true. Only 3 more days until I have my ultrasound. I pray that everything is normal.

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